300 channels and nothing on

It’s called a digital box. And it’s this strange, hot, black rectangular shaped thing that comes with a universal remote and several hundred channels – you may have heard of it.

We got the digital box because it’s 2010. And because Rogers basically offered it to us for free, if we switched to Rogers Home Phone. And after three months of fighting with Bell Canada’s call centre people in India who refused to refund several hundred dollars which they had inadvertently overcharged us on our October bill, I called a Rogers sales representative in Markham, Ontario to chat about the local weather and find out what they could do for me.

Within five days, we made the switch. It happened on a Wednesday and we were so happy. The cable guy didn’t crack a smile as he gave me a demonstration of this amazing technology by tuning us into “The Fireplace Channel.”

Have you seen this? It basically just loops video of a crackling wood fire. The sound and the image are meant to be a relaxing alternative to the real thing. Ha!

The first evening when my husband arrived home from work, we were rather too intimidated to channel surf on this beast of a machine. The next day, I allowed the children to watch Treehouse TV, which friends have been raving about for years. The kids lasted until the first commercial, at which point my business call was interrupted with screams of frustration.

“Somebody changed it!”

“Mommy, come quick. COME QUICK! The bears are GONE!”

I quickly ended my phone conversation and rushed upstairs, only to discover that an ad for Tim Horton’s donuts was the cause of all this distress. I flipped to their usual commercial-free TFO and went back to the phone for 15 minutes.

That evening, my husband and I again ignored the television (we’re not big TV watchers).

The weekend came. It was Friday night and we could no longer resist the urge to find out what was on. My husband started channel surfing – or TV guide surfing.

After 90 minutes with him in control of the remote, I could take no more. “That’s it!,” I cried. “This sucks! I’m going to Blockbuster to rent the next season of Mad Men.” And off I went into the minus-30 degree weather.

I returned home 20 minutes later only to discover my husband sitting there staring at a blank screen looking somewhat confused, somewhat devastated.

“What happened?”

“The box. It shut off. I guess we’ll have to wait until Monday to call the cable company.” Our experience with Bell had left him pessimistic about good and timely customer service.

“Are you kidding? It’s 2010.” I dialled the Rogers number, pressed one, seven, one (or something like that), and “poof” the digi-box returned to life. Relieved at its miraculous recovery, we hit the OFF switch.

It’s been five days and we haven’t turned the thing on since. Last night, my husband declared that he wanted his analogue cable back. I told him to sit tight and get used to digital because it was cheaper than analogue (due to this “bundling” deal) and the picture is better. He looked sceptical.

“We’ve got 300 channels, yet there’s still nothing on,” he moaned.

Well, there’s always The Fireplace Channel.